Introduction to my new life
9:54 p.m. :: 2009-12-04

just a few days ago it crossed my mind that it's been ages since i wrote an entry, then the idea of coming back was quickly replaced by some thoughts as meaningless as what to eat for dinner.

but last night i watched Julie & Julia on my mac, and how i loved it, it was funny, heart-warming and made me crave for so much butter when the credits rolled. not only that, the motivation of reviving my long-deserted diaryland was remerged as i watched Amy Adams blogging her way through Julia Child's cookbook. i'm not going to start writing about food, recipes or cooking of the sort, just my new life in Montreal, i dont know if i can still say it's a 'new' life anymore considering i've moved here since March, but as i looked back, i honestly haven't done anything productive other than taking french lesson for 2 months, which is quite a shame.

anyways, so i came back here to start writing again (I've always disliked the word 'blog' the sound of it first of all is unpleasant and when i started this diary in 2001, 'blog' was not even a word!) and the first thing i did was checking out the" buddies" latest updates. funny thing i noticed, most people have a theme that they write about, same topic different stories, years after years. whether it's about obsessing their prescribed anti-some-psychotic pills, love/hate complex with a parent, showing off some cool new toy in their life and ask for donations to get a better/cooler new toy to show off...etc, it was a surprise to me to see how much people's lives can stay the same. i of course have a theme that's been going on for years, obsessing my evil ex-boyfriends, depression over one cheater after another, sexual details with ex-lovers and the men i hardly cared about......but truthfully, there's nothing wrong with having a theme, gives people a reason to write, Julie Powell's theme was blogging her year with Julia Child's recipes, why can't we write about our sex/love/mentally deranged lives?

but it's going to stop for me, i realize that i normally update when i'm in rock bottom but seriously, that's not all my life is about. i regret not having written enough when i spent the most fascinating 9 months with my french ex Christophe, i mean, i was treated the worst possible way as a girlfriend at times but there were times when i couldn't think my life was gonna get any better, with him, my life was more interesting than Sex and the City, the adrenaline was more thrilling than what cocaine gives, but i didn't write, i was too busy taking parts in his complex way of being, if i were to tell the stories between me and him, i would go on for days and i still vividly remember each detail, my brain works that way, only remembering the things it wants to remember.

but no, enough with the drama, since i met Didier, i have a feeling that my life as a drama queen has reached for a halt. we've been together for 2 months, and before that was a month of long-distance messaging and phoning, this has got to be the 'normalest' relationship i've ever been in. my mother refers to him as my "Mr. number 4" yeah, my fourth real boyfriend, who is extremely white, a Quebecois, Francophone, but extremely asian on the inside, who spent 4 years in Japan and Thailand, only had one girlfriend before me when he was in Asia, and he's 2 years younger than me, talking about the difference of experience. i admit i was not too sure about the relationship just a month ago, i even tried to break up with him twice but he has proven to be a very decent and patient guy with me, a complete 180 of Christophe, now that translates in two ways, Didier is very consistent with his affection to me and he's the kind of guy that likes his girlfriend to be needy and dependant, not that i am one; but on the other hand, i almost couldn't put up with his awful organization skill, lack of self-hygiene, self-confidence and common sense, and he'd never get a hint unless you spell things right out to him of what bothers me... but being with him is easy, and comfortable, and i know i'd never be rejected if i initiated sex, which is a comforting certainty about him.

So, there's no problem on the relationship front for once, and for once, i'm really thinking about myself and where my life is going, so far i feel like im going no where, i have many plans and dreams, and they are dominated ten folds by doubts and fear, i'm afraid i'm turning into the kind of person i've always hated, those under-achieving losers who just want enough to get by.

how did this happen? and what is wrong with me? i was never this unsure about my ability to lead a prosperous, productive life until now. living alone in a city far away from home doesn't help either. I used to think that as long as i get my love-life right, everything else would fall into place neatly, and my life would be a complete, perfect circle, but it's really far from it, i read this somewhere, it said "Life�s a complex puzzle; the little bursts of light that illuminate it as you think about everything, these are the jewels, they must replace youth�s optimism." i hope it's not true, about the optimism, i'd like to hang on to it for a while.

ok it's really late, that's enough for today.

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