End of the Chapter
3:07 p.m. :: 2009-08-03

for those who asked me to update my dland i'm doing it now with great reluctance.

loic, since we barely see each other on msn, this is what happened.

like i said after i moved out in may when he was in Cuba, i really made the decision to never see him again and end things this way, however he tracked me down and we started seeing each other again. we spent a beautiful month together, day and night, week days and weekends, without any fights, and went to Gaspesie together, we made love in different hotels and stay-overs, we made love even when his friend was in the bed right next to ours, when he was awake. we drank porto and smoked cigars when looking up at the stars at night by the windless beach, it was more beautiful than any words i can describe. things have changed, but i will however, write about that unforgettable trip when i recover in the future, mainly because i still want the good moments to be part of this diary as well as the bad.

after we returned from the trip to Gaspesie, it was 2 days before he left for France for 3 months, i knew it was the end for us, and i wanted it to end on a good term so i'd have the strength to move on when he's gone.

but the unexpected happened, the night before he left we had a minor argument, but instead of yelling and throwing things, he grasped me and held me in his arm to ask, no, beg for my forgiveness, he begged again and again after my refusal, and he asked for a 'little chance, just a little chance', he wanted to have a new start, and wanted me to believe he'll be a nice boyfriend this time, i declined of course, i told him it would not be possible for him to not sleep with anyone for the 3 months he's gone in France, and yet he spoke with such dignity, pride and invincible confidence that he will not.

"I trusted you when you told me you wanted me to move here with you, and that was a catastrophe, what makes you think i will trust you again?" i asked.

"because this time i KNOW, i KNOW i want to be with you" he replied.

"and if you slept with someone else?" i asked.

"no it will not happen i give you my word, i want you to join me in France in August, if my business goes well i'll pay you a ticket." he said and shook my hand on it.

now i know what you're thinking, such naivety, let me tell you, if you were there you would've been convinced. because he was not acting, he really did mean it when he said it to me.

so what happened?

the fact that after one month he was being consistent with me, we spoke online or over the phone daily. the plan was still progressing, i was waiting for him to give me news to when to buy the ticket and meet him in august, so i could plan a place to live for the rest of the august. i waited alright, but i'm blessed with an intuition that never failed me, i sensed something was wrong over last weekend, so i called him on tuesday to demand an answer, and for the first time in the month, he muttered those three words with which i'm only too dreadfully familiar.

"i don't know"

i must've asked him 300 times what the fuck that meant even though i had a clear mind about what it meant. now he tells me he's not sure if he can see me, then he tells me maybe it's not possible for me to go, because he doesn't know what he wants. i knew better than that, after persisting for an explanation to why everything was peaches and he missed me before the weekend, and now he says ''i dont know'', he then told me..

"i slept with a girl on the weekend"

after all the promises he made, all the text messages telling me to trust me and don't do stupid things with guys, he fucked an one-night girl, and decided to drop me from his holiday plans without telling me what happened.

i'll cut the story short, the summery of all this is that i will never trust anyone ever again. whether or not he's a player or a seemingly dedicated lover, they all end up to be the same.

if you asked me if i regretted giving him a second chance, the answer, ironically, is no, i suppose i took a chance and did the best i possibly could to sustain this relationship however difficult it was. the end was a disappointing one, but if i didn't take a chance i would've never known how it would've ended, as the veil of sombre results has been lifted, i will be paying the price for the pursuit of my happiness.

before :: after