"please please please, let me get what i want"
10:33 p.m. :: 2009-08-06

After a dreadful conversation on the phone when he called me yesterday afternoon, it inevitably put me in another one of my dark and morbid episode. basically from the conversation i learned that he's been sleeping with this supposedly "one-night" girl many nights and he doesn't feel the slightest guilt about it since we're "not together".

When he asked me "how are you?" i gave him a while speech about how much weight and sleep i've lost, the pain in my chest and throat and the way i vomit when i force food down my throat when all the while he's on the other side of the world forcing his cum down on another girl's throat. in the end he asked if i would be okay to see him in september when he returns for two months before moving back to France permanently. i blew him off out of irritation and hung up shortly after, followed by an angry text message to him to which, he replied "Hsu, sorry for what i did to you, i really miss you and i hope you'll be better soon."

then i sent him another message online about how i would unveil what he did to me to his friends and family. i wrote it out of anger and by the time i got home from work i was fairly calm. then i saw on my mac screen:

"i don't care what you think about me, the contact you have are not my real friends anyways, but i understand clearly now it's not possible for us to see again, so goodbye."

this is something i've been asking him to say to me since the breakup but he'd always tell me "of course i want to see you again i cannot tell you what you want to hear" now that he finally said those words to me, somehow it felt as though it was another breakup line again. i guess i'll never win.

so i spent the next 2.5 hours composing what i believe was the last email to him. the letter started out ugly, critical and aggressive, then i guess by the time it was 7 in the morning, the words turned rational as my combative energy ran out. the truth is, all that i really want at this point is not to attack him, but to make this heartache go away, there is not a day or a minute when i don't hope i'd be free from such unbearable rage and pain, but since it doesn't stop, i just have to endure it and wish one morning when i awake, his shadows would not be there.

i fell asleep around 8 and by the time i woke up i felt like a zombie, so i cancelled work, went back to bed feeling utterly hopeless, i wasn't particularly sad, in fact, i didn't shed a tear for the past few days, however i couldn't see any light, either, a faint exit in the tunnel of my mind. i was not self-loathing, imagining revenge nor cursing him with karma, i was just there, laying still, and nothing.

this nothingness lasted until 5pm and i told myself to get up, get dressed and put on some makeup so i don't feel so sorry for myself when i look into the mirror. then i was ready to leave the house, but where to? i could sit by the famous st-laurent riverside 4 minutes away from my apartment and soak my feet into the water, watching gregarious ducks floating by, or i could to go that movie Etienne told me about, 500 days of Summer. i picked the later, the ducks can always wait.

it's a thursday night, the theatre was packed, the whole purpose of going to the cinema was that i could shut my brain off for 2 hours. i walked out of the theatre half an hour ago, the movie was very real and unconventional, and unlike what the trailer says, it IS a love story, an unrequited love story. Summer is that person in the relationship who doesn't know what he/she wants, one day you are the closest 2 people in the whole world, and the next day you feel he/she's more distant than a stranger on the street you'll never meet. inconsistency, the other chuckling while you're crying, telling you they dont want to be with you and then kiss you, telling you how important you are for them and then walk away. the guy Tom, represents the rest of us who get fucked over by seemingly a promising summer.

there was one scene where they sat on the bench, reminiscing their past, except this time Summer wore a wedding ring, and it was not given by Tom. she said "you were right about love and destiny, i never believed it but it happened, when i met him, i finally found what i was never sure with you, it's me who you were not right about" as soon as she said that the girl sitting next to me started balling her eyes out. i then realized there must've been many broken-heartsed in the theatre.

i felt rather refreshed after the movie, it didn't make me more forgiving, but i became less angry. i guess when you can't get what you want, the only option left, is really just letting go.

before :: after